Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Today's puzzle piece was very different than I expected. I had steeled myself for the news of a tumor. For surgery. For a possible answer to Dave's pain--or for even the worst news. Mostly, I was hopeful this was the beginning of some treatment to solve this mess. Instead, we got nothin.
Thankfully--the CT scan showed NO mass, and therefore NO cancer! This is something to rejoice about, and I thank our God for this good news. However, Dave's dear doctor, the only one who didn't just pass him off, who said they would get to the bottom of this...is out of ideas. He put Dave on a course of meds that may be a possible maintenance plan, and referred him to a chiropractor he trusts. Otherwise, he can't help Dave any more.
When Dave gave me the news I should have done a happy dance. No cancer. No surgery to face. But I felt so deflated. Cause now we feel like we have nowhere to turn. Are we to just accept this as his life for ever more? As I told my fellow church staff members the news (we were in a meeting when I got the call) I began crying. Not the reaction of someone relieved that her husband does not have cancer! How embarrassing. But I felt like I was grieving a bit--grieving the loss of the hope I had that this was the answer. Grieving the hope of another treatment. Feeling a bit hopeless.
My tears were graciously met with compassion from my coworkers. After venting to them, and crying off all of my makeup, I felt a bit better. I looked terrible and I had a splitting headache, but I felt better. I think by talking it out, I got some perspective. My hubby is not dying, and even if he has to spend the majority of his days laid up...I still have a relationship with him. We will need to rethink the way we do life perhaps--but we will be doing it together.
I am grateful. This is Good--of this I'm confident. Even if I shed a few tears, my trust is in the Redeemer.