Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I haven't held him for a decade...


Ten years ago today we lost our precious son.

I've been wanting to write about my sweet Aidan for a long time, but haven't known where to start. So today, on the anniversary of his heavenly homegoing, it's time. I must confess that I'm afraid to write about him in some ways, because I know there is no way to capture in words how special he was, all his life has meant to me, how I've grown because I was his mom. I don't think I'll ever be able to articulate how proud I am to be his mommy. My utterings will not do him justice...so I trust that you will read between the lines and get to know him, us, and the God who sustains us a little better. Perhaps. Most of all, I pray our story is one that gives HOPE, to others walking their own difficult path...that God is faithful. That He really can redeem a terrible situation and make it Good.

This is bound to be a series of posts. So today I guess I'll start with an overview. Aidan David was born at 35 weeks with multiple birth defects on May 24, 1999. A few of his problems we knew about in advance through ultrasound. Many more were discovered at birth. It had been a rough pregnancy--as we tried to prepare our hearts to meet this little guy who would be so different than our dreams for a healthy baby, as well as navigate all that his problems meant for me physically while he was in the womb. I had many tests, ultrasounds, two amnios, many doctors appointments, surgeon consultations, debates over delivery methods, pre-term labor, bedrest, meds, late night trips to the hospital and worst of all, two hospital admissions complete with iv magnesium sulfate (if you've had it, you know...it's like being microwaved) desperately trying to keep him in.

We were told that everything that was wrong with his little body was "fixable" or things he could live with. So, within a day of being born, Aidan began his journey of many procedures and surgeries to "fix" his little body. He spent his entire life in the hospital, and eventually died from complications of open heart surgery at age 4 months, six days. Ten years ago today.

And although we were SO scared and unsure about our life to come with a special needs child, there wasn't the slightest doubt in our hearts that we wanted him. We loved him so much. Everyone did. His fighting spirit and bright eyes endeared him to all he met. We looked forward to the day where we could tell him his story. The story of how God performed miracles on his behalf. The story of what a fighter he was. Of the challenges overcome. We looked forward to having him tell us what it was like to be Aidan. And to sharing the days ahead--challenging as they might be--together. Trusting God together. And holding him. Yeah...and holding him.

It was not to be. Instead, he completed his earthly tour in just over 4 months. He accomplished the purpose for his life in that short time.

Since that day, he is the only one of my children that I don't need to worry about. I take great comfort in knowing he is eternally safe and completely whole. But I miss him so.

10 years. wow.

To read more about Aidan, click here.

18 comments:

kerry said...

oh dawn. we miss him too! thanks for sharing aidan's story on here...lives will be touched yet again and again and again each time it is read. i love you and i love aidan. remebering him in a special way today.

chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
chris said...

Aidan...such a small sweet baby who made such an immense difference in all our lives. Dawn, you know I don't cry easily, but every time I remember our little guy, the tears begin (like right now). It reminds me that just as a potter needs water to soften the clay he is working on, our Potter used the many tears shed for Aidan (and you and Dave) to soften the clay of our hearts enabling Him to shape us into the vessels He purposed us to be. Only when we get to heaven, and are able to hold him once again, will we know the TOTAL reason why God created that little guy to live here on earth for such a short time. (And He continues that work in us as we face life here without Sadie too.) We have been broken but our Redeemer has done an amazing work of healing and bringing big "G" good from their short lives. Aidan we will always miss you...until we meet again, your Grandma counts it an immense privilege and blessing to have been able to have known you and hold you close to my heart while you were here! Words cannot adequately communicate all the emotion I feel as I remember you, but when I look at your picture on my mantle, I am smiling!

deb said...

Came here from Chatting at the Sky, to offer feeble words but humble prayers .
What a beautiful story you are writing about such a bittersweet part of your heart.

Playing Sublimely said...

You are darling and precious and I wish I knew you to hug you.
With love from bloggie world...
Amy

Jo@Mylestones said...

Wow. Thanks for sharing the beginning of this story. I liked what you said about him being your only child you didn't have to worry about. It must be a great comfort to know he is indeed, eternally safe.

Beth Carlson said...

Well, you know how much Aidan's life and how you and Dave lived during that time affected my growth, so let me just simply say, I love you.

Anonymous said...

Even though we never met Aiden, he has touched our hearts. I still remember how kind you were to share the memory book you had made of his life, reading every single word, absorbing as best I could the wonderful photos, nd being so blessed to get to know him through your loving record of his life. May you be comforted as you "remember the deeds of the Lord" in Aiden's life and yours.
Our love to you and Dave,
Esther for Bob too.

Kate the Great said...

Thanks for sharing Aidan's story, cousin. I never had the chance to meet him, but I loved him and still think of him often.

kimsilver said...

You know how we all love Aidan....his little life made a big impression on our hearts, and he will forever be someone who touched many--and changed many lives. I am so thankful I got to hold him and experience the journey with you--God is Good. I welcome the day we can see him again and tell him how loved he is. I know telling the story will be difficult for you....but it is a story that God gave you to tell....and He is faithful to work like He did while Aidan was alive...hearts will be changed even now. Love you so much sweet sister.

Jennifer C said...

What a beautiful post Dawn. I enjoyed reading about your precious Aidan. I can't imagine how much you miss him. I look forward to reading more about him. Thanks for sharing.
Jennifer:)

Graceful said...

I, too, love your observation that Aidan is the only one of your children that you don't worry about. That statement struck me so hard as I was reading your post. We've never met, I don't know you, but my heart goes out to you and your family today.
Michelle

Vince Morris said...

:-)

"To be a parent is forever afterward to wear your heart on the outside."

Melinda said...

Dawn,
I am so sorry about your sweet Aiden. Ten years probably seems like forever and then again no time at all.

It sounds like you've had a lot to process this past week or so ... glad you were able to go to WoF. What good timing for a fresh infusion of God's encouragement and love. I went to WoF last month.

God Bless You!!

Dawn said...

yes. beautifully brave. and strong. and i can only guess where his bright eyes and fighting spirit came from...

Tracey said...

Thank you for reading my story and pointing me to yours. It is beautifully written and a fitting tribute to the precious one God gave you for such a brief time. The ultimate comfort, as you said, is knowing our little ones are safe in His arms.

Angie said...

Dawn, thank you for your wonderful comments you have left. I know I dont have to tell you how much it hurts to miss your child. To have so many hopes and dreams gone, left with a broken heart and not all the pieces to fit back together.

You are a wonderful encouragement, to know that your child is still remembered after a decade of walking the streets of gold and the GOOD and comfort that has been given to you. I too, find comfort in that I dont worry about Emma, she is safe in the arms of Jesus and will never feel any suffering or pain.

Thanks dear friend, for writing about your son, so that I (& many others im sure!) can read along with someone who has walked this heartbreaking road.

Alicia said...

Whew....crying. Thank you for sharing.

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