pickle

We drive.  She sings with the music that plays.  She picks out the harmony and joins in.   She sings without the slightest bit of self-consciousness on our drives.  She is free.  She doesn't notice I stop singing just to listen to her.  Her voice soothes me.

She comes to me in tears.  She has been hurt by a friend.  She thought she was handling it OK until she went to bed.  Then the tears and uncertainty came.  Ugh, junior high girls.  It's par for the course, but this mama bear is still mad.  I try to keep my wits about me, and help her talk through it.  We wonder together what might be going on with the girl(s) who hurt her.  We talk about a few ways to see the situation.  She calms. She takes her tear-stained face and heads back to her bedroom.

We watch TV together...a show she loves.  She is excited about it and chatters through the whole thing.  I remind her that we would enjoy it better if we could hear it.  :0)

She tries to create.  It doesn't come as easily as she'd like.  She is making jewelry to sell to raise money for a conference she plans to attend with her youth group this summer.  I sit with her and make my own attempts.  I acknowledge my lack of expertise and call in the reserves--my mother.  One must know her limits.

I have a hard day.  She can tell.  She comes to sit next to me and puts her arm around me.  And although unlike her--she is quiet.  Loving me with her presence.

A dish here, a coat there, backpack on the floor a few feet from the hook it belongs on.  She leaves a trail of her presence wherever she has been.  We work on developing good habits.  She has begun to get it--to realize the importance of caring for her home, and of caring for her mom who is more pleasant (ahem) when it's neat.

She is frustrated.  She doesn't like that her little brother knows more about some Bible stories than she does.  She feels gipped that somehow she hasn't learned as much as he has along the way.  We acknowledge together that our faith walk is not about how much information we can master in our heads--but about our heart response.  We talk about the different personalities she and her brother have...and how that makes a difference in what they focus on.  We talk about the new opportunity to get an overview of God's Big Story as we do our lenten readings together.  I see her put her pride away and ask questions about God's Word that her brother knows the answers to, and I know God is honored.

She asks me each Sunday--am I helping today?  As the daughter of a Children's Ministry Director she serves a lot with the kids.  I schedule her as much as I think is appropriate.  Not because it is easiest for me, but because she is so great with the kids.  They love her.  She serves happily, and the teachers think she is wonderful.  She is who I call on to assist new or unsure teachers. What a blessing to see her glorify God as she serves the little ones.

I watch through the studio window as she dances.  She is long and lean, and her body is starting to work well after months off due to an injury.  Her worship dance class is rehearsing a dance to a song she loves.  I see glimpses of her dancing not being just about herself--but as an expression of feeling.  I feel my heart quicken.  The tears brim in my eyes as I feel the joy of being this beautiful girl's mother.

This is parenting Pickle.  A gift for sure.

I'm unwrapping this gift today with Emily at Chatting at the Sky.

Monday's Thankful Post

 I decided to document 1000 gifts.  A few a day--with the hopes of reaching 1000 within a year or so.  On Mondays, I post a few of the gifts I've documented in my journal.  I've not been posting every Monday, but I'm happy to be able to post a few of my gifts today.

111.  An easy-bake valentine. A cookie with a chocolate heart of frosting dusted with red sprinkles.  It was given to me on valentines day by a sweet 4 year old at church.  She was dressed in a red dress with her hair curled and pretty.  She made it in her easy-bake oven.  On a lightbulb!  Does it get better than that??  She gave me a heart and stole mine.

112. After giving me my valentine, the red-dressed girl said, (with some coaxing from her mom) "Miss Dawn, I asked Jesus into my heart this week."  My stolen heart filled with joy.  What a lovely valentine's day present.

123.  Glasses.  Not the kind you drink out of--the kind that help you see.  I've always had decent vision, but recently, my eyes have declined to the point where my glasses actually help.  I went from not wearing glasses much at all to wearing bifocals this year.  (hello, old much?)

this is a little scary...

142.  Hoarfrost. (did you know it was called that?)  We had a few days where winter looked like this:

Everything was covered in this pointed frost.  It was so beautiful.  It made me so happy that Pickle took the camera and captured great pictures of it before it was gone.

I hope you are finding things to be thankful for each day...166 and counting over here!

Loving Anyway

Each Friday I connect up with the Company Girls to 'chat" about our weeks.  It's a fun little online community that has connected me with wonderful people.

But every Friday seems the same to me as I go to write.  I mention about how it's my day off (which is always a good thing!).  How I hope to catch up on stuff.  Whatever weekend plans I have.

Lately I've had weeks of posts on Pickle's health or my own emotional poopyness.  I'm kinda getting bored with myself!

Yet, many of you are praying, so I feel an update is in order. Here goes:  I'm still really unsure about myself emotionally, but I'm getting tired of talking/writing about it.  This week was slightly better than last, but I may still end up calling the doctor.  I don't trust my emotions right now to be accurate indicators of a situation.  I've asked others this week if it's normal to be upset about this or that. I did have some bright spots I posted about last weekend.  And I've been leaning hard on God and embracing my need for Him.  He has reassured me from His Word over and over, and for this I am truly grateful.  I feel a little out of control, but I feel safe.

So, on to something else today...please!  This morning I read a little article from a Focus on the Family newsletter about not just loving because (fill in the blank) but about loving anyway.  It made me think of my wonderful man, and our relationship.  I think that we have a beautiful relationship--because it truly is about loving anyway.  Don't get me wrong, there are lots of reasons to love because....LOTS.  But, we've had our things.  Both the big things that have rocked our world, and the little day-to-day things that sometimes are hardest to deal with.

at a dear friend's wedding rehearsal 12/08

Frankly, this hasn't been the best week of our marriage.  It has been far (FAR!) from the worst...but not a banner week.  My emotional ups and downs, his work-stress and back pain, and busyness have not helped.  We've been missing each other, misunderstanding each other, and not always having the energy or motivation to even talk it out.  When our mutual frustrations were finally expressed, it wasn't in a calm, fair manner....but in a late night, about to fall asleep, burst of emotion.

However, the strong undercurrent is still love.  Acceptance.  Of each other.  Of each other's stuff.  We are long past the self-righteous assumptions of I'm doing everything right and you're the one to blame.  (although we still go there at times, I admit).  We are well-acquainted with each other's shortfalls, and our own.  We each know we bring some, shall we say, "craft" to the table.

Hawaii 2009

I'm so glad we embrace often.  Even when we are too wiped to talk.  In the embrace comes the reassurance of love in spite of what we are dealing with at the moment.  Real love.  Love anyway.

We never finished our late night emotional burst conversation.  We didn't need to.  We've been here before, we get it.  We awoke with the unstated realization that the things that were bothering us were just symptoms of the week we had been having and our neglect to counteract them proactively.  Yes, we both need to pay better attention to us when we are struggling--and we didn't get an A+ this week on that.  But we love deeply.  We love anyway.

That's how God loves us--anyway.  We don't deserve His love, in spite of our efforts to try and have Him love us because.  He is well aware of our stuff--the stuff we have no choice about, and the stuff we choose.  He loves us anyway.

It is His love that enables us to love each other anyway.  I'm so thankful.

unwrapping on tuesday

Unwrapping gifts.  The everyday gifts that are easily missed. That's what a group of us do with Emily at Chatting at the Sky on Tuesdays.

Today, Emily writes "So whether you are in the midst of the mess, surrounded by the lovely or interrupted by things unexpected, I encourage you to pause and consider the gift, whatever it might be."

So, I sit here.  And ponder.   What is the gift to unwrap today? Am I in the midst of the mess?  Yes.  There are lots of things I'm not on top of right now.  Not even close to on top of.  My housework.  Organization at home.  Wish I was about three weeks further along in my work at church than I am.  Emotionally, it's been less than smooth lately, and that colors everything else.  I have moments of feeling really fragile.

In the midst, am I surrounded by the lovely?  Yes.  YES.  My husband's kisses comfort.  My kids' smiles light up my days.  My friends are patient with me and make me laugh.  I am allowed to be who I am right now--even though I'm not at my best.  Everyone who loves me  holds out Hope in front of me.

Have I been interrupted by things unexpected?  Yes.  My car clicks instead of starts.  Snow delays change plans.  But even in emotional fragility, I know the unexpected factors in life are only unexpected by me, not Him--and in reality, are often part of the (big G) Good.  As my car sits sadly quiet in my garage, I skim Facebook status updates as I wait for my ride to work.  And the unexpected jumps out at me.  A friend's update says this: 

"The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."Is. 58:11

His Word falls on my soul.  He will guide.  He will satisfy.  He will water.  He will never fail.

And I thank Him for my need.  It is making me keenly aware of my dependence on the only One who can truly satisfy and who will not fail me.  My fragility is my gift today...for without it, I may just forget that I'm leaning on Him all the time.