Thursday, September 30, 2010

scarred, but whole

It's been a year since I first shared about Aidan in this post.  I thought I would write tons more about him and our journey, but for some reason, it's taking me a while.  But as we arrive on the anniversary of his heavenly homegoing again (11 years!) I have more to say.

People often ask me if you can ever heal from the pain of losing a child.  Just to be clear, I don't claim that losing a child is the worst pain you could ever suffer.  I don't know what it's like to get a terminal diagnosis, to lose a parent or spouse, or to be abused in any way...I know what it is like to lose a 4 month old child.  It absolutely sucks.  (pardon my french, but it fits).

I remember the day Aidan died, we felt a sense of relief at first.  Sadness, yes.  But oddly enough, relief.  We finally weren't worried about him, and he was no longer suffering or facing a long list of surgeries and repairs.  But as we entered our home without the hope of ever bringing him home...the deep pain of grief overwhelmed us.  It actually physically hurt.  We cried like we never have before or since.  We held each other and sobbed the deepest sobs I've ever heard.

It was like a piece of my heart had been torn away,  physically ripped from my body.  What was left was a heart with a gaping wound, one that bled and oozed with each beat.  I know that is a little dramatic, but that is the way I can best describe it.  In the days that followed, I explained it that way several times to kind, listening ears.

Months passed, years passed.  We grieved.  We journeyed some rough roads.  We healed.  God's grace proved sufficient, just as He promised. 

Yet, I did not return to the person I was before I was Aidan's mom.  I never will.  I am more ways than I could begin to describe, or even comprehend.  And I am whole.  WHOLE.  Really.  My heart has healed completely.  The gaping wound no longer bleeds.

Nor is my heart the same as it was before.  You see, it has a scar.  The evidence of it's wound is there, but it is not at all hindered.  The scar is actually a beautiful part of my heart, and in a way only God could accomplish, the scar has made my heart stronger.

I must admit the scar is a tender spot though, and if it gets hit just right, the pain returns for a time.  The tears flow, and the wound aches.  Yet even in the ache, even in the remembering, my heart is whole.  God has healed me and redeemed the pain.

I wouldn't trade my scarred heart.  It's a gift.  And I'm grateful.  

Perhaps your heart is scarred from pain that God has healed...if so, thank God with me today for His redeeming grace.  If your heart is still bleeding, I ache for you.  Yet I trust (even if you can't at this point) that if you cooperate with God's touch in your life, in His timing, He will knit you a beautiful, strong, scar.

happy 11th anniversary in heaven, sweet aidan. 


Karen said...

I have no words; this is one of those times when I would have wrapped my arms around you and not said a word. I am so thankful that you have grown from this experience. I immediately thought of 2 Cor. 1:4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. I love this quote, what we learn in the dark, we share in the light.
Thank you for sharing,

Beth said...

Crying. Pretty much enough said, except I love you, and every time I hear more about Aidan and you and get a better picture of what your life was like then, I continue to be more blessed. You and Aidan have been teaching me for 11 years. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Wow Dawn. What a beautiful tribute to a special boy. How blessed he was to have you as a mom!!

Hugs to you, Tammy

Karen said...

Dawn, I remember your last post. I think it's good to remember the precious life given to you for just a bit. Again, blessings and hugs.

Tamara said...

I'm touched by your story, Dawn. My heart is overflowing with gratitude to our wonderful God who does MIGHTY things. Thank you for testifying of His power and love, even through a grueling, heart-wrenching circumstance. It is a beautiful thing to see fleshed out -- God redeeming the pain. I love your heart and how you described it: wounded and yet healed, never the same, whole and stronger with a beautiful, tender scar cared for by our Heavenly Father. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

lara said...

There is a song that says, "Heal the wound but leave the scar, a reminder of how wonderful You are." Blessings to you, friend.

Dayle said...

We're never the same after a storm. In some odd way, grief and suffering yield sweet rewards over time. We are stronger.

Dawn said...

you leave me speechless... and in tears.

Anonymous said...

You have an amazing way of wording things, Dawn. The whole heart, even with a scar, is beautiful imagery. Really lets the reader in, and for that, I'm grateful. So glad to think about your sweet boy today. Love to you and Dave. Thanks so much for sharing, even amidst pain, and yes, healing. Love you!!!
Pam (Morse)Broder

Melodie Monberg said...

Beautifully written and emotionally read (by me!). Thank you for sharing!


Anonymous said...

Thanks you for sharing.
I am speachless

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

I think in a weird way that scars are beautiful. They're reminders that our journey isn't easy or pain-free but they're evidence of a God who heals, restores, redeems...

You said all of that much more poetically, I think.

I love knowing the stories behind the scars..and especially knowing the God part of the story. Thank you for sharing this part of yours....

Kendra Cameron-Jarvis said...

Thank you for sharing your scar story. You are using your "scar" to encourage others who have experienced the same situation. What a testimony to God's love and your obedience to Him.


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